ANXIOUS VS SECURE ATTACHMENT RESPONDING TO AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT 

"ANXIOUS VS SECURE ATTACHMENT RESPONDING TO AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT."

Different attachment styles hold vast differences in behaviour.

Here is the difference between an Anxious and Secure person responding to an Avoidant.

INCONSISTENCY

Anxious -
This push-pull feels so magnetic. Ahhhh I’m so attracted! Gosh it feels exciting! The chemistry is on fire! They must be my soul mate!

Secure -
I’m starting to lose interest. I find inconsistency is one of the most unattractive traits in relating. A peaceful nervous system matters more to me than anxious chemistry.

THEY SAY: “See where it goes”, “Let’s go with the flow”

Anxious -
I feel confident that by spending more time together they will realise how amazing I am. Then they might commit to me.

Secure -
I’m not into a dating in limbo land. If I don’t know for certain that they are open to a committed relationship (if I am), then I will not waste my time in situationships.

THEY PULL AWAY/ NON-COMMUNICATION

Anxious -
I feel anxious. Something is wrong. I need them to come back. I ruminate in my mind about 500 different scenarios of what may have happened. I don’t feel ok until I hear from them.

Secure -
I notice the absence yet I don’t make up stories in my mind. I have no evidence what is happening. Them pulling away means nothing about me. This will soon enough give me feedback whether I’m continuing to connect with them. I’m not into non-communication & avoidance. It’s a hard no from me. Their behaviour will tell me what I choose to do.

THEY HAVE A LIFE CRISIS EARLY IN THE RELATIONSHIP

Anxious -
I will do everything in my power to help them. I love playing Bob The Builder! And maybe when they see how much effort I put in they will choose me.

Secure -
Their crisis is not mine to fix. If they cannot show up for me at this time, I’m okay with that. I will do what’s best for me. I will not put my life on hold for them just to wait and see if… I will not make excuses for them and be patient to my own detriment. I always check in with how I’m feeling and I honour that.

SLEEPING TOGETHER FOR THE FIRST TIME

Anxious -
We’re going deep now. They must really like me! I’m already fantasising about our happily ever after.

Secure -
S/x doesn’t mean commitment or exclusivity. Before I sleep with someone I’m going to make sure we have the same values about s/xual health. An adult conversation is a must. Besides, I’m a hard NO for situationships. I may choose to wait until we are officially dating to sleep with them.

STONE WALLING / DISMISSAL

Anxious -
I feel furious. I’m going to send them 22 novels explaining how much they hurt me. Every time they don’t respond I’m going to write them another message. The last one is going to be a 15 minute read, just to make sure I’ve said everything I want to say.

Secure -
I feel deeply hurt & upset. I’m going share my feelings and then walk away. I’m not available for this kind of behaviour.

MIXED SIGNALS

Anxious -
Oh how fun! I’m going to play Einstein and decode all of these signals. I’m also going to unpack all of their traumas and behaviours, and figure out why they are acting this way. I may even make excuses for their behaviour because I have compassion for their unhealed past.

Secure -
If it’s confusing it’s a NO from me.

EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY

Anxious -
If I tread really gently, carefully & patiently I might help them open up. I’m going to push all of my needs & feelings under the carpet to not rock the boat. It’s all about how they feel & what they need. My needs & feelings can wait.

Secure -
My feelings matter. I’m not available to relate with people who cannot meet me emotionally. If it’s mild and I can see that they are really trying and take ownership of their emotional avoidance - I might be open to working on it with them. But I will never abandon my own needs & feelings.

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